having trouble sleeping again, so time for some kind of confessional.
i know a lot of people these days think that i've changed for the worst or that i've hit "bad times" because i don't attend church as much as i should, cuss frequently, drink, smoke, party, have done my share (maybe more) of fucking up and fucking around (literally/metaphorically, it's up to you) and do/have done whatever kinds of things that are commonly associated with the "fallen world" by the certain members of the christian community.
people i haven't talked to in a few years or so and have gotten back in touch with almost always first mention how "religious" i used to be and wonder what happened in between then and now to make me so different. they ask me and i leave it unanswered because i don't even like delving into the details because it's so complicated and a lot of it remain as open or healing wounds.
there are reasons behind my mistakes -- and i know my mistakes -- and maybe there are some unknown reasons behind what i continue to do now. i know that there has been a significant change with the me then and the me now...and honestly, i don't even know what to say to those people who think that i'm heading the wrong way.
all i can say is that i know what i'm doing and i know who i am and i know what i want...but i'm 19 years old and trying my best to figure all this shit out and i really hope that the people i consider family and home understand and continue to love me and be free of judgement. i hope people understand that i truly do love God and have never since denounced my belief in him or denied the fundamental truths of christianity. i made the choice to believe in the story of Christ and i continue to make the choice to believe it.
too much of my life i was pressured to grow up faster because of the events in my life or the people i was around or the own self abuse that i forced onto myself to be older, more mature, and wiser than my peers. it's all catching up to me now and these days i'm realizing more and more that yes, i may have had a weird and abnormal growing up and maybe i can handle things a little better than some people my age...but i'm still really a baby.
it's not like i am avoiding making that transition in my life of finding my place with God again, it's just that i won't and can't deny that i don't love the life i have right now and i'm just trying to strike that balance that i really think God wants me to have.
so please be patient and please don't judge. and maybe every now and then i could use some help. | 
